Suhasini’s hands were shaking while opening the letter. She knew it was from him, and getting a letter meant that he is not coming.
I think this is the first love letter that I am writing to you. This may not be the ideal format of a love letter but trust me, every word here is written straight form my heart.
I know you are waiting for me but I don’t want to come and obliterate the purity of our platonic relationship. When I married you five years back, I had no idea what marriage meant. Frankly, I was also quite disoriented like you. The only difference being that I was not showing. I was marrying because my parents said that I have started earning and the next step in life is to get married. Also, they wanted me to get married before my father’s retirement. So, we got married.
On that day during our honeymoon in Goa, when you told me about your past and your dreams, initially I was angry – you are my wife and you are not allowed to behave insanely like this and I should pull your reins. That was my first reaction. Then, after a while, I felt upset. This is not the right way. If you don’t love me, I have no right to push you into a relationship. And, finally, towards the end of the night, I felt respect for you. Here you were a fierce lady who has probably for the first time in life spoken her heart out. There was surely something between us because only with someone special can you talk about your deepest fears and distant dreams.
I can’t say that at that moment I loved you but I, surely loved your dreams. I wanted to make your dreams mine. I loved your notions of freedom. I wanted to live my life through your dreams. It was the first time that your thoughts have sparked a fire inside me which I wasn’t even aware of. There was more to me than that simple, obedient, blindly following social rules type of a person.
Then you went away and there was only letter that connected us, month after month. It was very difficult to manage the society around. They said all sorts of things. You parents accused me. I lied, and then lied more but no one believed me. They thought I was the culprit. Somehow, I felt protective about you; I didn’t want anyone to malign your character or raise questions on you.
I became a social outcast so I used my time reading, meditating and looking for inner peace. Slowly, I felt drawn towards spiritualism. Studying scriptures and Vedas opened my mind, gave me the strength that I wanted and I began to enjoy being myself. I went on a trip to Uttarkashi to find answers to questions like Who am I? What is the purpose of my life? I was wandering aimlessly when coincidentally I met a sadhu who was dressed in ochre and had an exceptional glow on his face. I had long hours of discussions, debates and intellectually stimulating conversations. The cloud over my mind was clearing up. My soul was experiencing a freedom like never before. He chose me his disciple and initiated me on the path of salvation.
Isn’t it interesting that you went looking for freedom and during the process to facilitate you I found true freedom. I am happy to know that you have achieved your dreams. It is you who inspired me and made me who I am today.
I am a Sadhu now. I have renounced the world and devoted myself to that ultimate being. I can’t be connected to you physically but in spirit we will always be together. I set you free from the institution of marriage and request you to relieve me of the husband duties so that I can walk ahead on the path of dharma without any maya.
This was one love letter that was sure to create a lasting impact on Suhasini.