Tanvi’s body had turned limp; she fell on the sandy beach with a thump. Water was coming upto her ankle and sometimes her knees. High tide was coming. Tanvi was facing her fears. “Freedom, is this the freedom I was running behind?”There were thousands of contrasting thoughts crossing her mind. “How shallow was I to seek this?”
And then a wave swept over her. She drifted with it and then it threw her back on the shore. Salty sea water had washed her. Tanvi was gasping for breath. The moon above was bright and almost round. It must be a full moon night. There was a star or was it a planet that was shinning the brightest. Her mother always told her that this star only comes at 4 in the morning and children who get up early in the morning to study under the grace of this auspicious star are blessed in terms of getting higher marks in exams. Was this true or was it another of her tricks to wake Tanvi early and goad her into studying?
There was a shadow standing in front of her, bent over her. Tanvi was hallucinating. She was speaking to herself or to the shadow or was it a man there? “You know what real freedom is – it is freedom from your fears, your innermost fears which are hid under the layers because it is an hypocrite society and you are not allowed to show your weakness. You always have to top the class, nothing below works. Even if you are scared to shit on an empty Delhi road in the late evening you must stay strong and not tell anyone about this fear ever, or they will not let you keep another step outside the house.
You know I fear getting raped almost every day. Every man I meet looks like a rapist. Why only me? Every woman in India fears that she will be raped. We women, infact live under the fear of rape. But then, I also want to get married to a perfect man. I want a perfect life. I can’t live without a man in my life. My mom says that no one will marry me because I am not following the rules of the society. I fear this society. What does it want from me? I feel so lost. Will they beat me if I don’t conform to their whims and fancies? I miss my mom. I want to hold her tight, tuck my head in her tummy and loose myself completely like I used to do when I was a kid. She used to be so much fun back then. She would play hide and seek with me, and would always find in whichever corner I was. This time she didn’t come looking for me. She abandoned me. I am a bad girl. Hanumanji will punish me.”
Tanvi continued blabbering with the shadow. Atleast she was able to accept her innermost fears and talk about her emotions, though under the influence of hallucination. Rave party, finally did something good. It did free her mind from the clutter. It did help her to know herself.
Read the previous post here – Chapter 34 – Rave Party In Goa – Narrowly Escaping The Wrong Navigation
Read the next post here – Chapter 36 – Learning About Freedom – Surging Ahead On The Path Of Right Navigation